Catalog of Desires ... Strange, Disturbing Desires

Feeling rather proud of this vast empire I've built on these here Interwebs I decided to peruse my server reports on searches that bring people to my sites.

Never do this.

Especially never do this if you do not have a massive, indestructible ego made of cast iron.

Five people were looking for "Dale Sorenson". So what are the rest looking for? Well, it would seem they are here for anything and everything except me.

Here's just a selection of searches in ascending order of frequency.

a braggart
3 freakin awesome pictures
2008 mens haircuts
1001 ways to say fag
why did roman statues have small willies
vibrating timers for stand up comedians
us virgin island nude vacations
swedish royal guards
sleeping hermaphrodite
stubble beards
straight guys making out
sony shit
sibling sex
sex signs accident
prison sex scene
pretty boy
older nuns and hot boys
obnoxious birthday cards
nerd poetry
men in tight jeans
lost hotties
gay halo sex
faggot inappropriate
dolphin mating
do nuns wear bras
bondage boy
aol sucks
sexy older men
polyamory jokes
pamela tits
nuns undergarments
nun's underwear
nerd tattoo
monsters
mathew goode
inappropriate stuff
hot older men
gay prison sex
frat divas
dream boy bondage
fuck usa
kevin pereira
gaytoons
unfortunate logos
tigger
cortana nude

... and the #1 search leading people to my sites ... drum roll please ...

halo

Yes. It seems that on the Internet, nerd even beats porn.

I hardly know what to make of all this. I appreciate pretty boys, Pamela's tits, polyamory jokes and occasional dolphin mating. Who doesn't? I'm a braggart. Absolutely. And I'd like to think that my site has at least 3 freakin awesome pictures, the expected rant on why AOL sucks and a variety of inappropriate stuff. Sure.

But "older men" and "unfortunate logos"?

Ouch.

The Gay Halo Fanboy's List of Most Fuckable Bungie Boys

Watching the behind the scenes videos for the making of Halo 3 I realized that Bungie is just packed to the gills with man candy. And since video gaming is predominantly the playground of young men, there's something inherently homoerotic about it.

If you wanna see the videos of these boys, ya gotta buy the Halo 3 Limited Edition.

Now on to the list!




Joseph Staten, Writing Director
Baby-Faced Dreamer
The Noah Wyle of Bungie



Damián Isla, Campain Engineer
"Don't I look hot in my glasses?
The Harry Potter of Bungie



Paul Bertone, Campaign Design Lead
"Are you lookin' at me?"
The Tough Guy of Bungie



Chris Butcher, Engineering Lead
Freakin' Adorable with a New Zealand accent to die for ... if he doesn't turn you on, you're officially brain dead.
Mr. Blow-Job Lips of Bungie



Tyson Green, Multiplayer Design Lead
"Dude! Where's My Car?"
The Hot Stoner of Bungie



Harold Ryan, Studio Manager
A bit pudgy for my taste, but there's just something about him
The Boy-Next Door of Bungie ...
... if you live next to a stud farm



Luke Timmins, Multiplayer Engineer
His nickname is "The Sausage King". How gay is that?
The Mr. "I Want Your Sex" Beard Stubble of Bungie
(Trust me, much hawter in the video.)



Xi Wang, Graphics Engineer
Who's got a cute smile?
You do! Yes, you do, pretty boy!
The Manga Fantasy Boy of Bungie
(OK, so this isn't the right "Xi Wang". This is a Malaysian pop star, but he's cute, so he'll do. Yes, I know I'm lumping all Asians together. Sue me.)



Marcus Lehto, Art Director
"Is my goatee gay enough for this video?"
Ya just know he's got a harness and some bicep cuffs at home.
The Leather Daddy of Bungie


and last but not least ...


Jason Jones, Founder
Hot, Smart and Loaded
The Prince William of Bungie


You're welcome.

A Dilema Only A Nerd Could Have

I've been playing BioShock, which is gorgeous with a sophisticated narrative and is generally, all around, freakin' awesome.



I was getting toward the end of the BioShock story when Halo 3 was released, which is gorgeous with a vast, incredible galaxy to explore and is generally, all around, freakin' awesome.



So now when I play BioShock, I wish I was playing Halo 3. But if I play Halo 3 I feel like I'm cheating on BioShock.

I need my mother call and say, "You finish your delicious, dystopian, art deco, first-person shooter, young man or you won't get any delicious, thrilling, science-fiction first-person shooter! Do you know there are children in China who don't even get to play Pong?"

So instead I'm playing Burnout Revenge and just hoping the pain will go away.



Of course, all of this is just to get my mind off World of Warcraft.



What a Dork.

Dear Bill, More Space Marine Man Ass in Video Games, Please. THX! Love, Dale

Microsoft has sheepishly admitted that due to an "obscure content error" (or perhaps a "wardrobe malfunction"?) the release of their latest space-marines themed video game, "Halo 2" for Vista, has accidental nudity in it.

I love it.

They didn't say what the nudity was, but the only girl in the entire game is Cortana, a 12" tall, blue hologram. Other than her, it's nothing by hyper-butch, space marines. And if there's one thing I believe in, on my personal quest to become the gayest nerd on the planet (or the nerdiest fag, either one), it's that video games need more space marine man ass.

Alas, Microsoft is delaying the release of the game so they can remove whatever it is.

I went looking to see if anyone has posted copies of Microsoft's little error and couldn't find any. However, I did find a few things I just gotta share.

These links are not safe for work nor for Mormons.

Cortana Doesn't Need A Man, She's Got It Covered
The Halo Sargent Gets What He Deserves
What Halo Aliens Do During Their Coffee Break
Who's A Bad, Bad Puppy?

Now that I'm blogging again, these images provide a sort of Rorschach Test for you, my dear reader.

If you find these images:

A. Hilarious ... you're my kind of nerd.
B. Hilarious and kinda hot ... you're my kind of kinky nerd, you should definitely send me email.
C. Offensive ... you should unsubscribe from my blog immediately.

Nerdgasm

The biggest nerd orgy of the year, E3, the giant video game expo, is happening right now.

So let's see ... what's news?

The price for the Sony Playstation 3 basic system is going to be a kidney. And the high-end system can be yours for just one human baby.

Awesome!

Better yet, the PS3 is scheduled to ship the day after a massive comet destroys all life on this planet.

Sweet!

Nintendo announced recently that their next game console will be named the Nintendo Wii.

Say what?

The original name was Nintendo Revolution. Bitchin'. Turns out this was just the project name, not to be the final product name. So after a year of everyone calling it the Revolution, they change it to Wii.

Wii?!?!?!

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

According to the Nintendo press release, "Wii as in We" reflects togetherness and community.

"Wii will change gaming forever."

"Wii will bring gamers together."

Oh, I get it....

Wait! No really! I get it! In fact, I've got it! The perfect slogan.... Tell me what you think....

Dive Into the Pool of Wii

Genius no? Can I market the shit out of shit or what?


Bungie/Microsoft is previewing Halo 3, the first game that actually makes me seriously consider shelling out the cash for an XBox 360. While I'm sure the game itself will rock, the Halo 3 trailer for the game sucks. And when I say, it sucks, what I mean is that it blows, it's awful, it's embarrassing and I can't believe that the most well funded game studio in the world would release this dreck.

In the Halo 3 Trailer, the Master Chief walks to a ledge and looks over a cliff. That's it. End of movie.

Boooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg.

Right before Microsoft bought Bungie in 2000 to get its grubby little mitts on Halo, I saw the original Halo trailer at MacWorld. It was a work of art. Thrilling Action! Amazing Music! Stunning Vistas! Years later watching it still sends a chill up my spine. (I have a saved copy, I wish I could find a link for you.)

The Halo 3 trailer has none of that. Worse, the resolution sucks, the video quality sucks and the sound quality really, really sucks. It looks and sounds like a bootleg DVD you'd buy on Canal St.

After much digging, I finally found a hi-res Halo 3 trailer with surround sound. It's visually pretty, but still pretty boring. At least it's not technically embarrassing.

I don't understand why they burried this. It makes Halo 3, Windows Media video and Microsoft all look bad. How did the masters of PR commit such a huge PR blunder?


Spore, the new game from Will Wright, designer of The Sims, looks amazing. I can't wait to play it, which is ironic, because I never played any of The Sims.

(Don't skip the Flash intro on the Spore site. It's really funny.)

In Spore, you evolve your own species of creature from one-celled organism all the way up to intergalactic civilization.

Did you get that?

Evolve your own species! Conquer the galaxy!

How cool is that?!

Gimmie! Gimmie! I want it now!

(Fuck, I use a lot of exclamation points!)


Games and stuff are cool ... but the biggest reason to tune into the E3 coverage on G4TV is Kevin Pereira.



Not only is the smug little hottie co-hosting ... he's talking about his taint. (No kidding.)



Oh, yeah! Right there! Don't stop!

What a brat. He really needs to be punished.

Now let's see, where are my restraints?