A Study In Contrasts

The constant misuse of email by the unwashed masses makes me crazy. So let me just say a few things in defense of the poor behavior by me that I'm about to showcase.

My email is now tipping the scales somewhere around 50,000 messages per month. I just spent a month and a chunk of change upgrading all my mail systems to handle this volume. This problem is created entirely by stupid people. People who forward kitten photos and lists of jokes, people who "Reply All" to every message they get and people dumb enough to buy things from spam or fall for scams have nearly ruined email for the rest of us.

Back in the days when the Internet was just us nerds there was netiquette, a set of generally accepted understandings on the use of communication technology that helped people not drive each other crazy. I remember the day when ISP installers actually made you take a netiquette tutorial before they'd let you have an email account. Of course, the slobbering hoard of idiots complained or just ignored them and these tutorials were quickly abandoned.

Each time some distant relative or casual acquaintance gets their first email account I try to explain that while email is a fun new adventure for them, it's a business tool and a burden for me. Despite my reliance on it, I now loathe email. But someone who gets 12 messages a month, just does not understand why I don't want messages from them. It's cost me two friendships.

Recently I acted on two of my email pet peeves in very different ways and there's a lesson to be learned from the responses I received.

DALE'S GRACIOUS REPLY TO A "WORDS OF WISDOM" EMAIL

Hi sweetheart,

Do please feel free to write me anytime. I'm delighted to hear from you. However, may I please ask to not be included in forwarded messages like these? I'm so sorry, but as a professional computer consultant I get about 50,000 emails per month. So I have to ask everyone to please not send me jokes, inspirational stories, etc. I do hope you understand it's not personal.

THE REPLY

Who could word something more thoughtfully than you? And, for the freedom to know I can write to you when I'm feeling glad or sad, makes me very grateful. So I can do without the rest.

DALE'S SARCASTIC REPLY TO A "REPLY ALL" EMAIL

Oh my god! This is sooooo cool. I just realized that my email software has two different buttons for reply, REPLY and REPLY ALL. This rocks! I’m so glad I just discovered this. From now on whenever I need to reply to someone who sends out a party invitation that I can’t attend because my aunt has herpes or I just shot my boss, I’m going to be sure to click the REPLY BUTTON and not the REPLY ALL BUTTON.

Isn’t the Internet awesome? I love it!

THE REPLIES

dude - i don't know you and honestly i don't really want to. get a life or some friends because obviously you have neither.

i don't know who this idiot is, but make him stop emailing me.

In each case I got exactly the reply I deserved.

Learn from me. Don't be a dick.