A Study In Contrasts

The constant misuse of email by the unwashed masses makes me crazy. So let me just say a few things in defense of the poor behavior by me that I'm about to showcase.

My email is now tipping the scales somewhere around 50,000 messages per month. I just spent a month and a chunk of change upgrading all my mail systems to handle this volume. This problem is created entirely by stupid people. People who forward kitten photos and lists of jokes, people who "Reply All" to every message they get and people dumb enough to buy things from spam or fall for scams have nearly ruined email for the rest of us.

Back in the days when the Internet was just us nerds there was netiquette, a set of generally accepted understandings on the use of communication technology that helped people not drive each other crazy. I remember the day when ISP installers actually made you take a netiquette tutorial before they'd let you have an email account. Of course, the slobbering hoard of idiots complained or just ignored them and these tutorials were quickly abandoned.

Each time some distant relative or casual acquaintance gets their first email account I try to explain that while email is a fun new adventure for them, it's a business tool and a burden for me. Despite my reliance on it, I now loathe email. But someone who gets 12 messages a month, just does not understand why I don't want messages from them. It's cost me two friendships.

Recently I acted on two of my email pet peeves in very different ways and there's a lesson to be learned from the responses I received.

DALE'S GRACIOUS REPLY TO A "WORDS OF WISDOM" EMAIL

Hi sweetheart,

Do please feel free to write me anytime. I'm delighted to hear from you. However, may I please ask to not be included in forwarded messages like these? I'm so sorry, but as a professional computer consultant I get about 50,000 emails per month. So I have to ask everyone to please not send me jokes, inspirational stories, etc. I do hope you understand it's not personal.

THE REPLY

Who could word something more thoughtfully than you? And, for the freedom to know I can write to you when I'm feeling glad or sad, makes me very grateful. So I can do without the rest.

DALE'S SARCASTIC REPLY TO A "REPLY ALL" EMAIL

Oh my god! This is sooooo cool. I just realized that my email software has two different buttons for reply, REPLY and REPLY ALL. This rocks! I’m so glad I just discovered this. From now on whenever I need to reply to someone who sends out a party invitation that I can’t attend because my aunt has herpes or I just shot my boss, I’m going to be sure to click the REPLY BUTTON and not the REPLY ALL BUTTON.

Isn’t the Internet awesome? I love it!

THE REPLIES

dude - i don't know you and honestly i don't really want to. get a life or some friends because obviously you have neither.

i don't know who this idiot is, but make him stop emailing me.

In each case I got exactly the reply I deserved.

Learn from me. Don't be a dick.

Die AOL! Die! Die! Die!

I loathe AOL.

Such are my feelings for AOL that I looked up "loathe" in a thesaurus to see if there is a word that is stronger. There isn't. But I can do this....

I abhor AOL.
I despise AOL.
I detest AOL.
I deplore AOL.
I deprecate AOL.
I disapprove of AOL.
I disdain AOL.
I disfavor AOL.
I execrate AOL.
I scorn AOL.
I Mother-Fucking Hate AOL!

It wasn't always this way. I joined AOL almost 20 years ago when it had 70,000 users. Back then it was a super-cool, Mac-only service. Steve Case sent us a personal email every month thanking us for our support, for referring our friends and giving us a status update.

But now I hate them. The mere mention of AOL sends me into a rant. Which is ironic because I've actually made tons of money from helping clients with AOL. The worse a service is, the more money I make providing support.

So by all rights I should love AOL. But I don't.

I hate them because their service is so bad that it offends me, philosophically. I hate them because their user base is a cesspool of stupid. They have 35 million customers, all of whom seem intent on personally forwarding messages to me on topics like how to cure a heart attack by coughing.

When I try explain to people, as gently as I possibly can, why forwarding this crap around is actually harmful and not helpful, somehow I end up as the bad guy. (Go figure.)

"Gee, Dale, I was just trying to help. It seemed important and I know you like the Internet, so I thought you'd want to know about the Olympic Torch Virus. Why are you being such a jerk?"

It doesn't matter how polite I try to be, people don't like being told that they've been duped and that their messages are not welcome. After losing a couple casual friends after asking to be left out of such forwards, I've stopped trying.

And no matter how times I repeat it, people just don't seem to think I really mean it....

IF A MESSAGE WAS FORWARDED TO YOU, PLEASE, DO NOT EVER FORWARD IT TO ME.

Why is this simple concept so difficult for people to grasp?

Even people I've told, in writing, repeatedly, still forward me crap. They just put a comment on it, "I know you don't usually like these. But this one seemed important / urgent / dangerous / funny / whatever."

My monthly email volume is now 5,000-10,000 messages. I have been forced to implement four stages of spam filtering using the best software available. Four! And I still have trouble separating the messages I vitally need from the ones I don't.

But I digress.

This started as a rant about AOL and it's degenerated into a rant about stupid people clogging up my inbox. So let me return, if I can, to my point.

The fact that a person still uses AOL for professional email is such a clear and reliable indicator of total technological incompetence that when someone at a conference hands me a business card with an AOL address on I throw it away. Experience has borne out again and again that "technodude8124@aol.com" and "designerchick3317@aol.com" are neither useful business contacts nor desirable clients.

If you're still reading this I have a few thoughts for you, dear reader.

1. I admire your stamina.
2. I am aware that all this makes me sound me sound like an arrogant and unmitigated techno-snob.
3. I do actually have some productive suggestions for the poor, beleaguered among you still chained to the AOL monster.

AOL has announced they intend to transition into providing many of their services (email, IM chat) for free. This means if you already have DSL or a cable modem for your Internet connection, you can stop paying AOL and still keep your screen name.

Actually, it has been possible for a couple years now to cancel your AOL account and keep your screen name. They've just been very quiet about it.

Both email and IM continue to work on a "cancelled" account. You don't even have to do anything special. Just cancel and then keep using their free services on the web and using AIM.

Really.

Do it. Do it now.

You can only cancel by phone. Here's the number. 800 827-6364.

I did it a few years ago and the AOL screen name I never use any more still works to this day.

While you're at it, get GAIM, the free Instant Messenger program without all the damn ads. It supports AIM, doesn't crash your computer all the time like AIM does and it doesn't install all that adware/spyware crap. Actually, you should switch to GAIM whether or not you cancel your AOL account. It's just better.

Finally, for about $50 a year over at GoDaddy, you can get your own domain. It's easier than you think. And then instead of being "CluelessCompuTard@aol.com" you can be "you@yourdomain.com".

Imagine just how cool you'd be then!

If I help just one person cancel AOL, being this much of a jackass will all be worth it.

Death to Spammers

In addition to jamming our email accounts with porn and Viagra ads, spammers are now using automated systems to publish their crap to other peoples' blogs. To stop this, Blogger.com now offers word verification (a very cool feature to consider using if you blog using Blogger.com). I hope you, my dear reader, will not find this too much of an inconvenience.

I'm just sick of "Trixie" and her friends posting comments like, "You're so hot! Check out my Online Casino and Snatch Bonanza."